She forgot her name.

...Its been awhile.

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 07:46:31 GMT

Its amazing how emo I used to be.
And how much I'm growing up.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 19:55:45 GMT

Still looking for a job and yet theres no motivation to do so. As bad as it sounds, I wish it could just be handed over to me. Yeah, don't we all.
Apart of me still wants to go home. A big part.
Or just live like I feel, alone.
I want to go back to Italy.
I'd like to run through the states. Live where ever I want. Live however I want.

I met this guy the other day that hated where he lived, Montana. His name was Chris. Said his car got repoed and his girlfriend left him. He figured, "what the hell am I doing here?". So he left and came to San Diego. One-way ticket, no money, and no place to stay. Trying to look for a job in a week. I thought he was crazy. And at times like these, it doesn't seem like that bad of an idea. But I know its just not that easy. Period.

But now, I can't just think about myself. Theres two people to think about....
What would be best for us?
And it kills me to not beable to answer that.
I know what I want, but I want it now. And what I want must be looked at as a goal. And I'm just not that determined.
Nothing seems to motivate me.

Update/ Complaining

Thu, 23 Jun 2005 18:24:13 GMT

Blah blah blah, morning sickness, blah blah blah blah, irritability, blah blah blah.
Can't drink. Can't smoke... ANYTHING. No rollercoasters. Blah blah blah blah.
One-eight in less than a month.
Bundle-of-joy in a little over six months.

No regrets. No regrets. No regrets.
Regrets... cigarettes.... Ah, nevermind.

Ok I'm done.
Baby's daddy bought a truck. Yay-yeah :)
Weird, when hes not here.. I miss him. When he is, I wish he wasn't. Carna asada fries were a nice touch.
I'm guilty of making the best sweet tea :D Muahahaha.

Edit:
Keeping pets.
Found a place.
Moving-in in august.
Somewhere, C Street & 28th? Something like that. Anyone care to visit?
Nice.
Studio. Eeeeeeek. Yeah, no one is having sex.
Mom's stuff clashing with mine. Buddahist shrines and dying hearts, skulls, and '50's pin-ups. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.... Interesting? Yeah, I think so.
Meh.

I take it all back.

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 22:36:33 GMT

Not all, but most of it back.
Now, my pets are gone to LA.
Rent is $850 and comes with a nice Brazilain man and his condo in La Jolla. Still sharing a room and bathroom with my mother. At least theres a pool.
Still no job. Or at least accessories to go get one.
And still that want and hope to go home. Not move again. Settle down. Thats all I really actually want. To just ... settle down. Live in one house for longer than a year. Have that one job for longer than 4 months without the place closing on me. The will to not give up on relationships when their not what I want them to be or their not what I think they should be. Have a place where a baby can grow up happily.

Life has been pulling me into a million different directions and all I want to do is block it all out and create my own path. Without something happening and setting it for me.

And I wish I knew what it takes to love yo or how to even show you. What it really takes.
And I wish you knew what it really takes to show me how you love me.
Maybe we do, just not so much the showing part.

The one thing I don't actually hate about all of this, is the only innocent one this is really effecting.

And it won't stop.

Sat, 11 Jun 2005 03:52:38 GMT

Ok, now its I'm moving out, but out with my mom, dogs, and cat. Just us. And a baby in 7 months. It seriously could not be any harder. I have to get a job. I'm pregnant, I'm bound to show sooner or later. And at that job make minimum wage. And with this studio or 1 bedroom house/ apartment/ condo that accepts something other than a five pound chiuaua being at the least of $700-$800 a month. In San Diego. I have no car. I have no license. I've only had 1 job. ::sigh::
I want to go back home. It would be so much easier. I could live on the beach in a two bedroom house for $500 a month or in a nice neighborhood with my grandmother for free with plenty of bedrooms and even the baby's own nursery. And make that $500 in tips in a week. I could have all the family and help I could ever possibly need. Everything is in the palm of my hands in Virginia.... except the best friend I could ever ask for and the one I love.

I hate every bit of this. I hate all of this. I hate it all.

The after school specials are over by the time I get home.

Tue, 07 Jun 2005 20:02:17 GMT

Theres no breaking the crying habit.
Its pathetic, I tell you.
The annoyance is is a pretty big factor, too.
The one person that needs to be.. I want to be.. understanding.. is far from. Its annoying, frustrating, and discouraging.
But, I'm not aloud to regret. I don't... but... sigh...

After School Special.

Tue, 07 Jun 2005 02:29:53 GMT

Urban Outfitters.
Met favorite person there.
Went to dinner and ranted and raved with her. We drew on the table. Names... names... and more names. A few clouds. A few hearts. And a flower.
In Hillcrest of course.
New shop.
Buffalo Exchange. Thoughts of what the nursery (if I could have one) would/ could look like = Wild Things + Max all over the wall. ♥
Mint.
T.U.K. = hot boots.. Bahahaha!
Home. We pee. She leaves.
Boy comes over.

Goodbye, my love.... Goodbye.

Mon, 30 May 2005 02:18:29 GMT

Its not official, but its over. We both know this. We already knew this from the beginning. Now, its just coming into play. But, don't believe me.... take it for yourself. Adios, mi amor.

The New Chapter

Wed, 25 May 2005 17:49:14 GMT

Things couldn't be more confusing.
A day without affection with you at my side and nothing more. How can you lye next to someone you love so much it hurts and not even touch them? Maybe there are just those days or maybe I'm just being to naive for my own good... Lying to myself.
I couldn't be more than happy with the news and feel like less than shit with the outcome.
The only thing I do know... They'll be mine and no one will ever be able to take that away from me.
Something I will take responsibility for. For sure nothing less, yet so much more.

High school will be over. Therefore the naive little drama queens will disappear and the repulsing little boys will be left to grow up.
No more excuses to being fake.
We'll be stepping into the real world where you cannot yell at your mom and get your way.
None the less not take responsibility for actions and know your consequences.. And have that go unnoticed.
No more subjecting yourself to being around narcissistic little shits... who claim they're not.
No more... no more... no more...
There will be those people I will miss and those people I won't.
Because its time to feel like where I belong.

I will never be that girl... for you.

Tue, 17 May 2005 05:15:28 GMT

I'll never have long, straight, blonde highlighted hair.
I'll never have the combination of the hair or short skirts with flip flops.
I'll never be your Hollister chick. Or Abercrombie & Fitch girl. Or American Eagle girl. Or Roxy girl. Or Billabong girl.
I'll never have the fake acrylic french tipped nails.
Or toes rings.
Or chunky Flojos with a yellow "sun-dress".
I'll never cake on pounds of foundation or mascara.
I'll never wear make-up every single day of my life. Or to bed when you're in it.
I'll never have an intended matching bag, shoes, and shirt.
I'll never wear my name around my neck in gold.
I will never "be LyKe OmG".
I'll never be your church girl.
I'll never have a new sports car. Or think that they're "cute".
I'll never be the hottest/cutest/sexiest girl you've ever gone out with, but at least we connect on a different level.
I'll never be your idealistic girl.
I'll never be your Brittany.

I will probably never try to look as fake as possible.

I will write you letters when I'm upset because I don't know how to talk to you.
Maybe I will dress up in my favorite dress with my favorite shoes, even if it is just to Olive Garden.
I will always prefer a natural look, with a little color.
I do like to wear green, blue, and pink together.
I like to look original.
I like to be different.

I don't like that you know all my friends. And I know few of yours.
I don't like that you call girls that I have no to clue to. Rather they're just your friends or not. When you make sure to know who I'm talking to... and especially if they're guys. When I tell you about them anyways.
I don't like that you're so invasive when I want to be alone. I like my space.
I don't understand why you would find something wrong with me writting a letter.
I don't like to argue.
I.... I.

I get sick of unresolved arguements. Talking/ not talking... Sorrys, they're overrated.... they don't resolve anything.
Still... no resolvement.
Same arguements. Same frustrations.
And I don't know what to do. Except hope for the best.
I don't want this to reside to another arguement.

You and my mom. My central loves and frustrations. Drive my words into the ground. Chew them up and spit them in my face.

My worlds turned upside down. And I love it. And everything its worth. ♥

Thank you, Dano... for being the sane one. ♥
No, seriously. Nights playing cards and eating cake is fine with me andyday.

Expect the unexpected.

Wed, 11 May 2005 17:05:20 GMT

Exactly.

Thu, 05 May 2005 16:28:08 GMT

01. Reply with your name and I will write something about you.
02. I will then tell what song/movie remind me of you.
03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be...
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
08. Put this in your journal.

When we're done, I'll give you everything.

Tue, 03 May 2005 21:09:52 GMT

There is this boy in my room.
Hes taking up alot of my space.
Hes driving me nuts.
Our stuff does not match.
I like art, he likes sports. I don't like sports.
Hes a neat freak and likes things perfectly aligned.
I like things to be clean and not perfectly aligned.
I'm laid back and hes high-strung.

.roar.

Ugh.. ::sigh::
Love.... love?
I do miss him and I do want him to cme home... most of the time..

Eh, at least grad night will be dank.

Home at last, home at last.

Thu, 28 Apr 2005 21:54:33 GMT

I'm not sorry for posting this everywhere.
Two years in the making. Making my way back home.
Shes been through Hell and made her way to her Heaven.
Now, shes taking a step back to head back home.
Shes on top of the world.
Lets see if she slips off and bumps her head.
Is she in over her head?
Things won't be the same, for sure.
But will it still be home?
♥

One day, you will endure this in a dimmer light.

Wed, 27 Apr 2005 06:38:46 GMT

*None of these are finished.
Artwork.

Take this light and shove it.

Mon, 25 Apr 2005 20:18:18 GMT

What are you doing this week?
Lets have some fun.
You think?
I'd love to.
Anyone.

Shes dreaming under the white clouds.

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 20:09:20 GMT

And its dark out.
The Mr. Wonderful showed up when I have a Mr. Wonderful.
Isn't that how it always ends up?
Yeah....

My Mr. Wonderful will be hime tomorrow in bed at last.

The years almost over. Turn in research paper, finish Cal tests, grad night, and graduation. Done. Damn.
I need a job.

The summer haze is over.
Lifes just begun.

One day I'll feel on top of the world.

Tue, 19 Apr 2005 21:19:14 GMT

That day is not today.

I could be standing in front of you and you wouldn't even hear me crying. My eyes torn and stitched under the eyelids, with no question of the burning pain in sweet agony.
There really is a nonexistant heart.
I could care for the world and push everything away.
Give up on myself and everyone around me.
Tell the world my secrets and not even hold trust in another's words.
Maybe I think, I thought, I might have trusted one day, today, yesturday... It was all a lie.
How can you perfectly lie to yourself. Myself.
My heart is not in its place.
It got up and walked away.
Someone thought they had it. They do because when you got up and walked out that door, I began playing a game I couldn't finish. It left me there sitting alone with the tears shed through my hands.
I could never.
I could never.
I love you, but not with all my heart. A heart not held in its place.

I just don't trust. It has become a nature to not do so. I can still spill my guts, but to trust a word... theres more to it.
I've become immune to trust and its meaning. Its always stretched. Its always contridicted.
Very much like myself.

I cannot stand to look in the mirror anymore these days.
I'll stare in disgust and I'll stand in an oblivion to why anyone is my friend. And why would you love me?
Anyone can answer so positively... I already know.
But can anyone give me something much deeper. To look at. To think about. To take into consideration?
Theres one that I just don't see.

I'm done crying the tears you cannot see.

So, that was from a few days ago.
I'm fine now, I suppose.

Dano & I

Mario & I

Dano eating.

Mario & The Dylster

As the night ended.
was allright. Chels made prom queen. That made me happy.
Pictures will be lovely.
I need to get out this week.
Hes gone and my bed is quite lonely.

This love has not been evaluated. I'm left confused. I love you... I like being with you. But what is it about you? If I were to weigh my likes and dislikes, I'd be left with a blank page.
I know I love you. I know I do.
When you're not there my bed is empty.
We would both be fine if we were single, but its better when were together...
Ehh...

Mission:

Tue, 12 Apr 2005 01:36:13 GMT

:accoplished.
Well.... Yes.

Maybe I missed something. I knew there was more there than just a little something... But maybe I missed interpreted what you said. Or maybe it wasn't what you said. Maybe it was for how long.
Paraphrased, "be friends, then worry about the relationship.. the dating, love, sex".
Did I miss something?

Plan:

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 20:12:21 GMT

:Get belligerently drunk friday.
Yes? I think so.
Anyone with me.

My journal has in no question died.

Wed, 06 Apr 2005 16:45:30 GMT

I am bored out of my mother fucking mind.

Today is waisting away.

Fri, 01 Apr 2005 21:09:04 GMT

I have nothing to say.
No relevence to today. Or yesturday .. or whenever.
Today is to be waisted under the covers and lying so discontent with ....

I'm leaving.
Goodnight.

She speaks the truth within herself.

Tue, 29 Mar 2005 02:51:17 GMT

I'll tell you everything I could possibly blurt out without even trying. Give me that chance and I'll tell you everything that I can.
She loves life. She loves her mother. She loves people. She loves her doggies.
Her morals are fucked. They're good, but shit happens. But she knows that never consoles that fact of justification. Yes, she contridicts herself. She can be hypicritcal. But that does not take away from her knowing when she was ever wrong.
She already knows the answers to her questions. Its hard for her to tell anyone anything. Not because she doesn't trust anyone (which she finds pretty hard to do, too), but because she gets choked up in her words.
A painting pretty much spells her words out that she cannot spill out of her mouth or down on paper or through her finger tips of the little black keys.
She listens all the time. Listens to your drama, your hopes, your dreams, your fears. She can't keep her mouth shut.
She tries to be honest. She wishes she could be as honest as one could be.
She has a soul she tries to hide. She wishes some people would take notice of it without speaking of so.
She wishes she could explain herself through her words, but she never knows how to put two and two together.
Shes a genuinly happy person, who can become irtable.
She wants to be that girl that guys look at differently. Even girls. She wants to be that girl that other girls look to. That girl that guys want (and not to want to get under her skirt that she never wears). She wants to be that friend that gets told everyhing, even the little details that your ashamed of. And could never admit to, not even to yourself.
She loves music. She would die without it. Her passion derives from it. It soothes her soul. It removes her from reality, yet sets her in place of so.
She loves to be surrounded by people. By mostly positive people.
She walks down the street and takes a deeper look. She likes other people like that. And wish she knew someone else like that. Wish she could see that same look in someone else's eyes.
She holds human compassion.
She doesn't hate much. Maybe that white broccelli stuff.
She has so much to say, mostly during the nights of inspiration which spur from the cold. When its so cold that snails linger along her drive way and she goes out to look at them. See how long it takes them to get across the pavement, until she finally realizes that its four am. She thinks its facinating that she found one inside of the bush in front of the door. Just hanging onto a vine.
She likes to lye in the brightest of green grass and stare at the sky. Watch the clouds go by and try to decivere what each one looks like.
She wants to go to the top of a mountain and scream one day.
One day soon.
So she can scream aloud her words she can only speak through the brush strokes against the rough canvas, unlike the person the stares back at her.
She honestly loves to hear peoples opinions.
Oh, and she doesn't really like anyone who is egotistical and often wonders how their mind works.
Wonder where people are going. When they leave from work or school or where ever they left from and all you can see is a million paired red lights that you follow and a million paired yellow lights coming towards you... Where they're going. Home. A signifcant others. Away. Are they happy. Why are they going where ever they're going.
She holds no question because you couldn't possibly answer it.
There so much more she thinks, shes thought... But there is not enough attention span to carefully or even uncarefully continue....
Maybe one day she will, maybe one day she won't.

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 17:31:33 GMT

There is only but so much I can say. Maybe I'm not ready to let go and make my peace, maybe its not even worth it. I could call you my brother, but as a sister I would never think of hurting people the way you have. Maybe this is childish and way overrated, but yeah whatever. Little comments do hurt. Caniving bullshit hurts, too. And its not just the person that you're intending to hurt, that gets hurt. Don't forget about your friends, too.
But whatever, this probably wasn't even worth the time to put this in my journal... This is not for other people to read and judge on their own.. But this might as well be called a dead journal.
Its just been bothering me and maybe not the core of the source, but at least a major party that might as well just kept shut up. Maybe those are just our differences?
I'd just hate to see you hurt her, yet again.
But then again, its not my place to say.

I've hurt people myself, but I've never seen someone with such intent in their eyes. And don't you dare shake your head at me that way. As if I had done something wrong that you haven't done worse.
But, bleh. Whatever.
I'm to happy to worry about someone else's drama or hell... my own drama for that matter.
I just hope you're happy now. Honestly.
Please don't hurt her.

I couldn't be happier :) Well, a little... but I suppose or I hope that will work itself out in time. At least as soon I say my piece. You'll always have a place in my heart and if you're willing to accept and forgive me, then it will just be ever growing.... (Brian)

*Don't even try to judge this because I already know that you have no idea who and what I am talking about. There is no use in putting a journal such as mine thats so dead behind a friend's cut. No. I refuse.

So, say hello to your mother and goodbye for the first time to a long lost father.

M.A.D.

Fri, 11 Mar 2005 05:57:15 GMT

I am fucking madly in love with this boy.
I could not ask for more.
I do not see how I could have not seen this before. He is wonderful.
Its horrible that it took all of this to realize it, but I am grateful to have this boy. This boy who stuck by my side. How, we've stuck by each other through the good times and the bad. How lame, but whatever. I love him.
I love how we share the same cigarette every time. I love how a simple Bleeding Through lyric made me look at him a little differently tonight.
We walked along that beach and it was the most fun.
He held and kissed me so tenderly and so intensly.
I hate how he had to leave... How he left out of respect.
How we reminise over the worst and make jokes. Reminise over the best and kiss to make up for old times.
I love you and I know I love you.
Man.... man.